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What the...

Now, this is a bit of a touchy subject for some. Before you ride roughshod , huff and puff yourself faint and tell me I am a terrible person for thinking this way, stop a minute. And then think. And remember this is my blog. I get to put down what I think here. My thoughts. So there. Feel free to express your opinion though. Just don't think any less of me... not that you don't already but whatever.

So, my good buddy calls me today on skype. That's awesome in and of itself but, that's not what this post is about. We did the usual... what's the weather like, what did you do this weekend, and so on. My stories since I moved to DC have been very tame... no more stories about trips to the Emergency Room or giving rides to questionable people or hookers snorting powdery stuff in the car (that didn't happen to me... thank god... but it did happen to my friend). My stories are more along the lines of... I went to Giant or I went and watched a movie or something like that. Anyway, as he was telling me what he did, he was like... well, we didn't do too much because there's a foot of snow outside. And then he tells me... that one of our good friends made an announcement.

He's getting engaged! My first thought is, well congrats to him and his fiancé or girlfriend or whatever. The second thought is WTF. Why. This is the third friend in the last few weeks. I've always said that married people suck. Not at anyone in particular... I just don't like what marriage does to people. They change. And not for the better necessarily. There are 2 categories of people like that... those that I have known in various stages of sobriety before they decided to surrender their balls and start drinking wine (married people seem to love to drink wine and wear those hideous Argyll sweaters)... and those that I got to know as people who were already attached to someone, you know the +1 types. The latter group, I have more respect for... I mean, I've known them as part of a larger entity... one with another person, a life outside of singledom and so on. Since I've known them only that way, I don't feel the urge to ask them why the F they decided to go that route...

But those that decided one fine day to wake up and get engaged to someone they have known for far too short a time, I don't let them off the hook for submitting to domestication and servitude. I have known these guys since they were in school, single and rarely sober. And they were awesome. Now they've all found some woman to hang on to and get married to, talk about feelings and what not... gah!

I am a cynic, I don't really believe in marriage. I look at marriage more like a car lease... you upgrade cars as the lease expires. Same goes with marriage. Maybe that's just my messed up upbringing or something... but that's how I feel about marriage. I am not saying people should not get married... I am just saying they know for sure what they're getting themselves into and then I hope they see sense and run... run for their lives.

This guy was the ultimate single guy.... we went out 3 times a week. Hell, he made his school schedule in such a way so he could go out drinking on Thursdays, Fridays and Saturdays. And we did that for like 3 years while in school. And so many more years after. This guy, more than anyone else, made fun of the non-single types... giving people shit for choosing to spend a weekend evening with a woman as opposed to getting shit-faced with the guys. And for the most part, I agreed with him. Why rock the boat?

Well, that fucker, that S.O.B is now getting engaged. Never mind that the woman is well educated (she's a lawyer) and seems to make him happy... but still. I expected some day he would go that route after he lost all his remaining hair and grew a beer belly or something... but not now. The part that confuses me is that he's all so nonchalant about it. The last time I asked him about getting married, he was like... well, we shall see. I expected him to say HELL NO, but I didn't think too much of the 'We'll see' bit.

I am truly saddened to lose a friend to marriage. They are never the same once they are married. They forget you exist... they become responsible... sorry I can't drive, I have to go home and spend time shoveling her parents driveway... I can't go out, its couples date night out... I can't do this, I can't do that... I can't come out without asking for permission from her. Jesus Christ man, why would you so easily give up your freedom to wake up next to the same person every day for the rest of your life? I mean, I see the benefits of it... but really, couldn't you wait a bit longer (like 10 years longer) to surrender?

Married people suck. They really do. Now they have to be polite and responsible and civil and what not. I don't know how people I have known end up changing so much. They all of a sudden stop taking a piss in alleys and doing stupid things like trying to fit two people in the trunk of a car or taking pictures of someone puking their guts out instead of helping them and so on.

This much I know: one day when their marriage ends, they will need a buddy to go hang out with and get shit faced with. Well, guess what? I am not that buddy. But I will definitely watch you get shit-faced and then drive you home to your parents or wherever. And along the way, if you need to puke your intestinal contents out, I shall pull over and let you do that. And I'll listen to you bitch and moan about that woman who made your life miserable. Because I am not going to surrender my balls.

But if you have a great marriage and all that, can I come hang out for Christmas? I get the feeling that the way I am going, I'll be all alone, fat and bald.

p.s. Let's hope she lets him invite me to the wedding... maybe my views on marriage are the reason why I can count the number of weddings I have attended in the past twelve years on 2 fingers!

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